Are you attached?

Hola Fierce Feminina,

Are you attached?

Last week, I wrote on the importance of having good friendships to support you in life and business. I hope it encouraged many of you to pick up your phone or send that quick text to your Fierce Friend and say, “Hey, let’s get together and connect.”

Friendships are just one important aspect to creating a sense of belonging with the people around you. Another important relationship to discuss is your romantic partner relationship. Yes, I’m going there.

Romantic relationships are difficult to navigate in the age of dating apps, social media, and the overall busyness of our lives. Although I know nothing about dating nowadays, because I have been married forever, I do know about attachment styles.

What’s an attachment style? It’s the way we are able to connect and create meaningful relationships with others.

Can you believe that our attachment style or ability to attach to a person romantically is developed within the first few years of our lives! The first year of your life and the interactions you had with a caregiver is crucial.

Did you have someone who picked you up every time you cried as a baby or left you to self-soothe for long periods of time? Was your caregiver generous with affection or limited with their affection? There has been lots of debate over how to raise your children and the importance of self-soothing for a baby.

However, in those infancy stages, you were learning if the world was a safe place or if your world was an unsafe place.

I know this could bring up some uncomfortable emotions but knowing your attachment style can help you understand yourself and the others around you. Knowledge is POWER!

Understanding your attachment style and being able to identify your partner’s attachment style can help you better communicate and manage your emotions. When your emotions are managed you are able to be a mentally strong female! Yes!

Another thing to note is your attachment style can become more secure over time if you work on it.

So here are the four attachment styles developed by Psychiatrist John Bowlby.

1. Anxious (Preoccupied)

2. Avoidant (Dismissive)

3. Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant)

4. Secure

People who have an Anxious Attachment Style have a fear of abandonment. These are the kinds of people who quickly attach themselves to others in a relationship. They are often the first to tell you that they love you and want to be with you all the time. It may sound cute but they can become very jealous and do protest/punishing behaviors to get you back. Do you recognize any of these?

In an Avoidant Attachment Style, I like to think of that guy who pretends not to like you and pushes you away so that you will fall even more madly in love with him. People who have an avoidant attachment often pull away if they feel smothered or feel like you are getting too close. They may use strategies like ghosting when you thought the relationship was going well. 

Someone with a Disorganized Attachment Style will have a combination of both the anxious and avoidant characteristics. These people will keep your head spinning with what they may do next in the relationship. You just aren’t sure how they will react there is a push away and pull close to you all at the same time. We see this with people who have experienced neglect as children.

Now to a Secure Attachment Style, about 50% of people have this attachment style. What this means is they can articulate their emotional needs and develop relationships in an appropriate way. They are able to connect with others and don’t have as difficult time with disconnecting when needed.

We are all trying to become more secure in our attachments. When you are in a relationship that is safe, meaning your mind and body believe that you can trust the person you are with, then you can work towards being more securely attached.

Do you recognize yourself in any of these attachment styles?

Next week, we will discuss how we can develop a more secure attachment style.

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